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Where to start?
I recorded and shared a video on Facebook a few weeks ago that I recorded while taking a walk around my neighborhood. It was a rare 50+ degree day in March so I laced up my $20 Costco running shoes and headed out into the neighborhood.
I had lots on my mind, like usual. But lately, my mind and heart have been even more full.
Lately, I’ve been wrestling with the desire to write freely. Write openly. Write without censure.
I’ve been blogging since 2009. Last time I checked, I’ve written and published over 1000 blog posts. ONE THOUSAND. That’s a lot of posts and a whole lot of words.
The thing is, in all of those posts, I have NEVER felt like I wrote completely openly and honestly, without giving thought to “what people might think.”
Many of those posts were showcasing weddings or portrait sessions I’ve shot, and I would say I was open and honest about them. There’s nothing to hide or keep to myself about them.
But the rest of the posts, especially anything pertaining to me or my life, I have simply glossed over the surface.
Now, let’s be real – my life isn’t very controversial or exciting. Not that it’s boring; I just don’t do anything real outrageous and I’m not that type of person. So it’s not like I have scandalous things to share anyway.
But I have things I’ve dealt with and things I’ve been learning that I share with my closest circle, and I’ve felt the desire to share them and write about them more openly here too.
I asked myself that the other day – “Laura, why do you want to share these things with strangers?”
Honestly, I don’t really know why. But I do. I love to write and I feel like I think more clearly when I’m writing. I also feel like I might have stories that could help others.
So, on my walk around the block the other day, I felt angry. I was mad that I spent the last 5+ years writing hundreds of blog posts that merely skimmed the surface of my life and thoughts, for the sole reason that I’m so concerned about what others might think of me that I’m afraid to write honestly and openly.
Then, I got mad at myself for being mad about it. Haha, oh the circle of thoughts.
For awhile, I entertained the idea of blogging anonymously after my friend mentioned reading a blog where the blogger did just that. That sounded intriguing at first because there would be no tie to me, and no repercussions from what I might share. No potential loss of clients or harm on my reputation.
But then, I thought… “No. I want to feel free to write what I want to write, and if people have issues with it, then that’s ok.”
That sounds so confident and self-assured when I type it out. But let’s be honest… just because I say that, doesn’t mean I feel it or believe it. I said it more like… “If people don’t like it… then I’ll probably cry and lick my wounds for weeks, but … that’s … ok?”
I have a thin skin and I’m sensitive. I always have been and I probably always will be. So the thought of being open and receiving criticism is incredibly scary to me.
But honestly, I’m tired of not doing things because I’m afraid of what might happen. There’s a saying somewhere about one way to know that you’ve never taken any risks is if you’ve never failed, or never had anyone criticize you.
So here I am. I have decided to write more openly. I have things to share, guys. They’re almost BURSTING from my heart and forcing me to take the leap.
I hope you’ll read along as I write more. I could also use your prayers.
This is scary. But I think it’ll be worth it.